Act a lot

I want to be very very very happy. and i thought i would be. i don't keep secrets and i don't tell lies any more. but i pretend, i pretend a lot...
keeping up appearances you see!!!
An Instagram picture becomes mirror of your life. one expensive dinner pic becomes affluence, shopping picture becomes indulgence, smiling couple becomes bliss and thats it!

All you need is a picture a day of you smiling to hide 23 hours 58 seconds of misery, confusion, loneliness and hopelessness. and people around the world buy it. everyone does it and everyone buys it. such a bunch of headless chickens we all are.

No words, no conversations, no truths exchanged ever. I am not even sure if theres anyone who knows all of me or wants to know all of me. Its scary to think that i trust no one in my life. My husband doesn't even bother, he never did and i never paid attention to the fact that he never asked me anything about myself. It was always me carrying on with my overshare syndrome. And maybe i made myself believe that he knows me! That the flowers he used to send and the 30 phone calls a day he used to make were my ideas not his. And now when i have started expecting without telling him, there are no flowers, no phone calls, no messages.

i have spent 4 years telling him that its hurtful when:
he blames me wrongfully, by telling lies
he tells lies
he tells lies to cover up lies
he never says sorry
he never lets go after a quarrel even when i have apologised
he makes sure he can say everything mean to make me cry
he lets me cry and never leaves the bed to make me stop
he never tries to fix us
he makes me feel like no one

and still you'll never find an unhappy face on Facebook or a miserable me on Instagram. In the world of social media and for people outside my bedroom , I am queen of all things wonderful!!!

Lost Again

Once a wise friend said, make work the most important part of your life because thats one thing you can control. People are variables, equations change, ripples are formed and waves crash. Work is stable. and so i did. i made work more important than people.
Now i have lost my work, i sort of got off the train to get a snack and missed the train and so far the next train to my destination hasn't made its way to this station again. and its been 4 months now. The problem is that now i have nothing stable in my life, not for a second also. And since people where never important, i am finding it hard to go around and ask for a word of advice or a moment of strength or a hand to hold.
I am married into a platonic relationship, mutually. He and I have no mode of communication. All languages and signs have miserably failed. Both are to be blamed for not trying hard enough, but I knew that long before I married him. See, I was not in the market looking for a saviour , protector, soulmate or something. But I didn't want a stranger also and he was no stranger. And ready to marry me and so i said yes. And we got married, much to our parents dismay, by the way, they don't talk to each other. We are a joke, personified.

Well, now i since i have been unemployed, between jobs, jobless i think i can feel the human trait rising again. and it makes me cry and worry and makes me "feel". 

Heres the thing

i believe i m totally screwd up these days!!!! n i have realised i just feel depressed with one or two spurts of joy here n there....but the life as such remains stagnant!!!
i kno colors, waves, emotions and words, but they all seem to be flying away from me.....its not that easy to live with......i havent painted in years, read a book in months, weny out wid frens, had a cup of coffee, spilled a cup of coffee....
its not right , i kno , i cant decide that but wots the harm in trying???
i wish i cud !!!!

tough times

i hate bng in love with u , i hate everything about bng in love with u..... u kno wid the amount of trust n love i feel for u, its supposed to be easy n nice but its not!!!
i feel like killing myself sometimes becoz thats hw i might stop loving u.
its tough to deal with both emotions at the same place n time.......its not possible for me.....its not suppossed to be happening with me.....
i have done nthng to hurt u, or trouble u, n u dnt realize anything....
i cant move out either......all the elders from ur family pull me in while the oders just ignore me, u included. i can only try till a point.

Clouds of undefined emotions

i dnt really know how to put wotever i m feeling into words !!! my feelings have stopped making any sense wotsoever. i m trying to be all strong n controlled but i m like a thread away from falling apart.....totally.

Everything i do, everything i like , everything i desire seems meaningless, unwanted, stupid!

i have this surge of emotions waiting to burst out, only waiting for a suitable vent!!!

I dnt kno wen life became so complicated.... i dnt kno wen walls were made where there was no land only water of love.... i m not god, i m not a superhuman, i m a mere girl with high hopes, undaunting love n loads n loads of questions??? i dnt have a glossary to life but i m still looking for answers, i m still sitting for the exam!!!

All i want is ur trust in me, ur word thats it alrite if i m not perfect, that i can be wrong n stupid too!!! it only makes me human !!!

away

I dont know why i feel like this...Its almost like i follow sorrow around sometimes....or is it sorrow following me around!!!!
i have a loving family, a nauseatingly sweet brother, cutest boyfriend, bunch of wonderfully sweet friends n an exciting new family... i got it all but i am still LOST.

La La La

an interesting turn of events and life takes a 180 degree swerve!!!!!

Its as if nothing was wrong ever, nothing never left its place, nothing went missing, no time lost n no feelings hurt. I feel 16 again. Its a first love rush all over again. n so much love that i cant contain. i need sheets of paper n stacks of postcards n stupid face book to spill it all out but just never goes down!!!!

its all pink n red n clouds n roses n candy n chocolates!!! everything makes sense n nothings wrong. I don't feel ugly or fat or daft or crazy anymore!!! i m the princess of my fairytale, i m the Movie star of my own Romantic movie, n it doesn't sound mental at all.

i love all that i m feeling right now. its immense n beautiful n never ending. its like summer vacations, n like rain on a hot day, n like standing under a waterfall. its like nothing i know n yet i try n compare!!!

My life seems complete. I used to think u need a career n a good mound of money n a big house n a bigger car to feel right......but all i need is Him n everything else would just fall n place. it has to, because we deserve it!!!!