Act a lot

I want to be very very very happy. and i thought i would be. i don't keep secrets and i don't tell lies any more. but i pretend, i pretend a lot...
keeping up appearances you see!!!
An Instagram picture becomes mirror of your life. one expensive dinner pic becomes affluence, shopping picture becomes indulgence, smiling couple becomes bliss and thats it!

All you need is a picture a day of you smiling to hide 23 hours 58 seconds of misery, confusion, loneliness and hopelessness. and people around the world buy it. everyone does it and everyone buys it. such a bunch of headless chickens we all are.

No words, no conversations, no truths exchanged ever. I am not even sure if theres anyone who knows all of me or wants to know all of me. Its scary to think that i trust no one in my life. My husband doesn't even bother, he never did and i never paid attention to the fact that he never asked me anything about myself. It was always me carrying on with my overshare syndrome. And maybe i made myself believe that he knows me! That the flowers he used to send and the 30 phone calls a day he used to make were my ideas not his. And now when i have started expecting without telling him, there are no flowers, no phone calls, no messages.

i have spent 4 years telling him that its hurtful when:
he blames me wrongfully, by telling lies
he tells lies
he tells lies to cover up lies
he never says sorry
he never lets go after a quarrel even when i have apologised
he makes sure he can say everything mean to make me cry
he lets me cry and never leaves the bed to make me stop
he never tries to fix us
he makes me feel like no one

and still you'll never find an unhappy face on Facebook or a miserable me on Instagram. In the world of social media and for people outside my bedroom , I am queen of all things wonderful!!!

Lost Again

Once a wise friend said, make work the most important part of your life because thats one thing you can control. People are variables, equations change, ripples are formed and waves crash. Work is stable. and so i did. i made work more important than people.
Now i have lost my work, i sort of got off the train to get a snack and missed the train and so far the next train to my destination hasn't made its way to this station again. and its been 4 months now. The problem is that now i have nothing stable in my life, not for a second also. And since people where never important, i am finding it hard to go around and ask for a word of advice or a moment of strength or a hand to hold.
I am married into a platonic relationship, mutually. He and I have no mode of communication. All languages and signs have miserably failed. Both are to be blamed for not trying hard enough, but I knew that long before I married him. See, I was not in the market looking for a saviour , protector, soulmate or something. But I didn't want a stranger also and he was no stranger. And ready to marry me and so i said yes. And we got married, much to our parents dismay, by the way, they don't talk to each other. We are a joke, personified.

Well, now i since i have been unemployed, between jobs, jobless i think i can feel the human trait rising again. and it makes me cry and worry and makes me "feel". 

Heres the thing

i believe i m totally screwd up these days!!!! n i have realised i just feel depressed with one or two spurts of joy here n there....but the life as such remains stagnant!!!
i kno colors, waves, emotions and words, but they all seem to be flying away from me.....its not that easy to live with......i havent painted in years, read a book in months, weny out wid frens, had a cup of coffee, spilled a cup of coffee....
its not right , i kno , i cant decide that but wots the harm in trying???
i wish i cud !!!!

tough times

i hate bng in love with u , i hate everything about bng in love with u..... u kno wid the amount of trust n love i feel for u, its supposed to be easy n nice but its not!!!
i feel like killing myself sometimes becoz thats hw i might stop loving u.
its tough to deal with both emotions at the same place n time.......its not possible for me.....its not suppossed to be happening with me.....
i have done nthng to hurt u, or trouble u, n u dnt realize anything....
i cant move out either......all the elders from ur family pull me in while the oders just ignore me, u included. i can only try till a point.

Clouds of undefined emotions

i dnt really know how to put wotever i m feeling into words !!! my feelings have stopped making any sense wotsoever. i m trying to be all strong n controlled but i m like a thread away from falling apart.....totally.

Everything i do, everything i like , everything i desire seems meaningless, unwanted, stupid!

i have this surge of emotions waiting to burst out, only waiting for a suitable vent!!!

I dnt kno wen life became so complicated.... i dnt kno wen walls were made where there was no land only water of love.... i m not god, i m not a superhuman, i m a mere girl with high hopes, undaunting love n loads n loads of questions??? i dnt have a glossary to life but i m still looking for answers, i m still sitting for the exam!!!

All i want is ur trust in me, ur word thats it alrite if i m not perfect, that i can be wrong n stupid too!!! it only makes me human !!!

away

I dont know why i feel like this...Its almost like i follow sorrow around sometimes....or is it sorrow following me around!!!!
i have a loving family, a nauseatingly sweet brother, cutest boyfriend, bunch of wonderfully sweet friends n an exciting new family... i got it all but i am still LOST.

La La La

an interesting turn of events and life takes a 180 degree swerve!!!!!

Its as if nothing was wrong ever, nothing never left its place, nothing went missing, no time lost n no feelings hurt. I feel 16 again. Its a first love rush all over again. n so much love that i cant contain. i need sheets of paper n stacks of postcards n stupid face book to spill it all out but just never goes down!!!!

its all pink n red n clouds n roses n candy n chocolates!!! everything makes sense n nothings wrong. I don't feel ugly or fat or daft or crazy anymore!!! i m the princess of my fairytale, i m the Movie star of my own Romantic movie, n it doesn't sound mental at all.

i love all that i m feeling right now. its immense n beautiful n never ending. its like summer vacations, n like rain on a hot day, n like standing under a waterfall. its like nothing i know n yet i try n compare!!!

My life seems complete. I used to think u need a career n a good mound of money n a big house n a bigger car to feel right......but all i need is Him n everything else would just fall n place. it has to, because we deserve it!!!!

Theories i m building up lately:

there is this intersting bunch of men, men i wud never have thot i cud get are suddenly available everywhere. n they are not looking for commitments n yet they are nice n gentlemanly n the works!!! i mean i m not nicey nice but a lil fooling around cudnt hurt n i just kinda hit the jackpot!!!!
BULLSHIT

i love me!!! need i say more!!!!

Wish Me Luck

Since the last time i wrote, i have picked upa new job, left an old boyfriend, discarded a fugly friend and picked up some yummy food for thought!!!!
I love this state of wotever it is.....its freeing n binding n comfortable.... I feel so powerful n in control n on the verge of losing control!!!! All at the same time...... ts like i have time on my side again, my story in front of me though unwritten but still my story!!!
Its so freaky that all that i yearned for in terms of personal fulfillment, i have found all together in these two months.....I have been appreciated n accepted n i like it.
There are still some questions unanswered , some voids still open...but for now i m enjoying this warmest of my winters so far!!!
Wish me luck!!!

Winters!!! Blah!

The sad winters are here again...the coldness masking everything bright n glowing, turning into frost!!! I plan something for everyday, something small, something big, something for myself n something for you but alas!!!, i just don't get out of the bed. This warm bed feels like a prison....its like ice is building over my pool of thoughts. Everything is being directed to tomorrow, just like that!
OHHH!!!!
i have to get up n i have to go out n i have to talk n i have to write n i have to do a lot of other stuff..... BUT I DONT WANT TO GET OUT OF THE DAMN WARM BED!!!! Ughhh!!!! I am such a baby! HELP ME plssssssssssss.

WHY?

Why is it that sometimes you have all the answers with you but no solution seems to come around? Why would there be such a chaos of thoughts and reasons where just a yes or no would suffice?

I m what i am and i m finally getting to what i am . what if knowing myself, carving out myself requires some unwanted decisions??? Does it mean i should stop and not do it for the fear that my friends would think that i have lost my sense of judgement? We all have failed some tests in life, but it has only helped us to know what to do n what not to do. Has'nt it?

Why should be questioned by others for subjecting my life to difficulties, when i know these very difficulties are the lessons of my life. And every decision i make is the test i give for learning that lesson. Its my Report Card, i m my own teacher, my own student. All i need you to do is to never let me stop learning.

There are certain things in life that turn back the clock for you no matter what. i so wanna bust that clock!!!

NOT DECIDED YET

I have a map but i have lost my Compass!!! I have my plans but i have lost the directions!!!
Thers so much i always wanted to do......that i still want ....that i can do right now but the Light is still not there, the fire is missing!!!!
The "Why" of my being is just lost somewhere between the clouds of wants and needs, and i m trying my best to find it, to catch hold of it before my time is lost for forever!!!

Ta dee da dum

i dnt kno where to begin from. there's so much going on in my head from past year n a half and i just cudnt find the time to put it down in words. i fell out of love, fell right back into it, found a lost friend , lost another friend. became responsible but the reason is now lost. Ran after my dear dream but cudnt reach out to hold it in my hands. fell for my best friend.
Was rejected and ignored and thrown out of someone's life just like that.
dreams have seized to exist, they have stopped somehow. i just live today and expect tomorrow to come with no plans, no motive, no reason, no hope.every freakin day is same, all of them , start to end. it freaked me out and sent me into a shell, cudnt come out,i wasnt ready, wasnt ready to take on the cape again.
love is a distant dream, passion is non existnent and desire has died long ago. the only craving that i carry is for books and movies. my only saviour, they are. keep my head in place.
Found a lot of backpackers along the way, carrying same kind of load on their back, became friends and partners for happy times. there are no sad days anymore, not even sad moments. i love all days, i love all around me. i have somehow attained Postivity.

Something in me died today and the worst part i dont know how to cry for it. There's a friend of mine who probably mattered to me more than anyone i have in my life. We had some really fun time together and he was the only one who could understand me exactly the way i wanted to be understood. Now he tells me that he can't help ignoring me because i have not kept up with smartness level he had decided for me.

He wouldn't accept me as his friend for i let the very same people who hurt me to be a part of my life again.

i am stuck in the middle of a blob of confusion. I don't seem to understand ,no matter how hard i try, that what keeps the world going round? Why everything has to be result of something and precursor of something more at the same time.

I need more zest in my life without thinking what would trigger it or what would follow it

" Wot shud i do " is wot i end up asking myself these days. Its like being awake but yet hoping that u r still asleep. Things in my life have taken such an unexpected turn that i don't know where to head from here on!!!!

I am in a constant fight with myself about deciding the concourse of my life...there's a certain part of me that still yearns to learn than think of climbing the work ladder. In fact i m more comfortable in my skin thinking that i am in position where i can learn more and teach more as i m not interested in the pay scale fight.
It seems jibber jabber to me also.... but i really feel empowerd as i have more knowledge and sharpened skills at my disposable, that i can turn impossible into possible.....atleast in my work area....i m comfortable moving at a slow pace while learning at the same time than jumping thru stuff to get on the top.

bleeding

my life has suddenly become everything that i nevr wanted it to be. its becoe this pile of garbage that i can nevr sort out or rather i dnt want to sort out for the fear of losing my identity.

my boyfriend of three yrs has just come down frm australia after one and a half years ......and it tookm me just ten days to realize tht i had been a fool all alongthat i was hoping against hope for something that dosent even exist not even in the imaginary world.

all this time whenevr i was in relationshp it was always a no strings attached kinda deal bt this one time i decided to let go of myself n fall in love ....i did fall...i fell on my face....for being stupid and remarkably dumb..i thot that love existed, tht it really turns the world around, that it changes bt i was so wrong......i gave this relationship all that i cud..time, patience(an unknown virtue in my character), understanding and care and lots of everything else bt i was nevr prepared for wot has happened to me in the last 10 days......i ve cried, brokn down and shattered to the extent of losing it all. this was one time wen i actually wanted it to happen and stay till eternity, i wanted to be a part of someone's life bt it was not to be.....worst of all thers no one i can reach out to for all of them think that i can steer me out of this...wen the whole bloody problem i dnt have a clue wot to do.......i do feel as if i hav lost my reasn to BE, to exist....

i want to take it out all on him bt i kno he dosent understand....he wud nevr understand...........he just dosent seem to grasp the fact that there are times wen even i feel a need for his time and attention, tht i cannnot always be understanding, dat its normal to be selfish once in a while.....that i m not just there to understand and let it all happen to me.....dat i too hold some importance in his life, which i have earned, which i deserve.

Why?????

Why is that wen u do somethin right everyone around u is responsible for it ,and wen u ruin something its only you who's the culprit????

Why you wish dat people dont judge you all the time wen u cant be non-judgemental about people around you ?

Why do we need layers of emotions, characters to pursue a realtionship as simple as friendship, just to complicate it?

Why friends are not as transparent about feelings towards you, as much they are supposed to be? should they fear you?

Why??????