bleeding

my life has suddenly become everything that i nevr wanted it to be. its becoe this pile of garbage that i can nevr sort out or rather i dnt want to sort out for the fear of losing my identity.

my boyfriend of three yrs has just come down frm australia after one and a half years ......and it tookm me just ten days to realize tht i had been a fool all alongthat i was hoping against hope for something that dosent even exist not even in the imaginary world.

all this time whenevr i was in relationshp it was always a no strings attached kinda deal bt this one time i decided to let go of myself n fall in love ....i did fall...i fell on my face....for being stupid and remarkably dumb..i thot that love existed, tht it really turns the world around, that it changes bt i was so wrong......i gave this relationship all that i cud..time, patience(an unknown virtue in my character), understanding and care and lots of everything else bt i was nevr prepared for wot has happened to me in the last 10 days......i ve cried, brokn down and shattered to the extent of losing it all. this was one time wen i actually wanted it to happen and stay till eternity, i wanted to be a part of someone's life bt it was not to be.....worst of all thers no one i can reach out to for all of them think that i can steer me out of this...wen the whole bloody problem i dnt have a clue wot to do.......i do feel as if i hav lost my reasn to BE, to exist....

i want to take it out all on him bt i kno he dosent understand....he wud nevr understand...........he just dosent seem to grasp the fact that there are times wen even i feel a need for his time and attention, tht i cannnot always be understanding, dat its normal to be selfish once in a while.....that i m not just there to understand and let it all happen to me.....dat i too hold some importance in his life, which i have earned, which i deserve.

Why?????

Why is that wen u do somethin right everyone around u is responsible for it ,and wen u ruin something its only you who's the culprit????

Why you wish dat people dont judge you all the time wen u cant be non-judgemental about people around you ?

Why do we need layers of emotions, characters to pursue a realtionship as simple as friendship, just to complicate it?

Why friends are not as transparent about feelings towards you, as much they are supposed to be? should they fear you?

Why??????

just like that

theres a whole lot happening in my life without anybody actually doing anything...its a series of things happening all around me....but,surprisingly, i m not worried. i have given into the fact that u can only control yourself and nothing else..all other coordinates of the life u live are not under your control.....that includes people...events....emotions...

i used to fight all that, all those things that were happening around me, things i didnt want to exist....but i realized all of it was because i craved for my space, my sphere of reason....and then i realised dat my space dosent need nods and comments from others but only my creation, my satisfaction........fulfillness of achieving something that i longed for. i need acceptance, not from others but myself. And now, i m working on it!!!!!

Misunderstood Forgetness

golden old days....are old days actually golden......well a part of them are gold but there are some tarnished moments as well. And the ghosts of these tarnished times never leave me alone.....its as if they are hanging around me all the time in the wait of another dark moment that will hang around my neck my whole life.

No matter how much i try to forget them, shove them under my bed, they still lurk around and all i do is wait..i just wait for one of them to ruin whatever i have in my hand and cant help it at all.

Though i never look insecure or scared of situations , i end up fighting my demons all on my own......even if i try to open up, let somebody kno about them, nobody is ready to believe that i can doubt my strenght, that there is something that i cant fight .

But its true..its a reality.......i am scared of thiings that happened in my past and i am scared of thinkin about my tomorrow.....how w ould it go...would it be fine....and end in a good night's sleep!!!!

walking on

i was just going thru some of my college friends' profiles and also some not so good friends' profiles as well...........and i realised that everyone has held onto the college life in some fashion or other.........they hav pictures, testimonials, stuff that seems to connect them back to those friends......I, on the other hand, have moved on ....i have moved away from all of this......and its always been like that with me.......i can never hold onto people because i never get dependent on them......i am friends to a lot of people but there is not a single friend of mine......



I've still not found a person to whom i can pour out my deepest dark secrets, my pain , my sins and myself.......why is that i am such a complex person......i hardly kno how to maintain contacts.....really bad at calling up people.......wot i can express thru written language i can never do with the spoken language....and this is one shortcoming of mine i guess......

The thing is that i dont wanna do anything about it ... i mean i am perfectly fine with moving on and not clawing the past........the question is, is it bad...is it something that shud'nt be..... i mean is it bad if i have no info about wots happenin in other ppl's life......am i minding too much of my own business????????

i've never been interested in things about my friends life....until unless they want me to be involved.....i guess this is because i dont want people to scrape off my life from me.....i respect my privacy and others as well ...and thats why i keep myself away from others......

WASSUP?????

Finally left my job to pursue a seemingly more useful and productive ambition........Yeah! Yeah ....i am gonna go for the MBA!!!!!

seems big to others but to me its just another thing that i m doing for my parents and for my life ahead......why is that for a good life with no tensions u have to let go of things that u really dig... i mean i really didnt want to leave my job but i had to because i dont wanna live in misery......and thats true!!!!!!! Girls from my kinda bG are stuck between the dream of having fun and the reality of being successful and both things cant go hand in hand....Can they??????

i kno i m gonna get married one day and my husband can get me all i want but why cant be the other way round........why shud'nt I fend his dreams...his wants and his desires.......Come to think of it...we all kno guys get to hav so much fun but on the other hand they spend their whole life being responsible for ma and pa and then for wifey dear and then kids and then it ends.......and this is true..........its true for an average guy coming from an average family.......We girls hav it easy somehow......family is there to protect us.....evenif u dont study and make it big , papa dear will find u a rich hubby..........and so all of it is taken care of!!!!!!!

Wen i am married i am gonna give my sweety,one whole year of vacation to enjoy 365 days of bliss...... visiting places we both wanna go to.......let him sit back and relax and enjoy one year without thinking about work and bills and things!!!!

Thats wot i am gonna do..............................and thats why i wanna earn real good and real fast and for that i have to study more and Grab that golden oppurtunity hanging somewhere there!!!!!!!

Rockstar

yeah..... thats how i feel today...looking back at wot i was and wot i am...i can say wid a sense of pride that i have crossed a long journey to the world where i am......

started my juvenile years as a nobody but now i am the someone everyone wants to know....learn from and hang out with....and i am not being bratty about it. i really love and respect everybody' s feelings for me which i know are nowhere fake or psuedo.......

i love god for letting me be a part to the stories of life of these wonderful people........Each one of them has shown care and understanding for my being and have stood by me for good .....

i kno that u kno that i am talking about you.....and believe me i am talking about you........

and i wud always be thankful to u to lemme be me forever...........and making me the

ROCKSTAR!!!!!!