Ta dee da dum

i dnt kno where to begin from. there's so much going on in my head from past year n a half and i just cudnt find the time to put it down in words. i fell out of love, fell right back into it, found a lost friend , lost another friend. became responsible but the reason is now lost. Ran after my dear dream but cudnt reach out to hold it in my hands. fell for my best friend.
Was rejected and ignored and thrown out of someone's life just like that.
dreams have seized to exist, they have stopped somehow. i just live today and expect tomorrow to come with no plans, no motive, no reason, no hope.every freakin day is same, all of them , start to end. it freaked me out and sent me into a shell, cudnt come out,i wasnt ready, wasnt ready to take on the cape again.
love is a distant dream, passion is non existnent and desire has died long ago. the only craving that i carry is for books and movies. my only saviour, they are. keep my head in place.
Found a lot of backpackers along the way, carrying same kind of load on their back, became friends and partners for happy times. there are no sad days anymore, not even sad moments. i love all days, i love all around me. i have somehow attained Postivity.

Something in me died today and the worst part i dont know how to cry for it. There's a friend of mine who probably mattered to me more than anyone i have in my life. We had some really fun time together and he was the only one who could understand me exactly the way i wanted to be understood. Now he tells me that he can't help ignoring me because i have not kept up with smartness level he had decided for me.

He wouldn't accept me as his friend for i let the very same people who hurt me to be a part of my life again.

i am stuck in the middle of a blob of confusion. I don't seem to understand ,no matter how hard i try, that what keeps the world going round? Why everything has to be result of something and precursor of something more at the same time.

I need more zest in my life without thinking what would trigger it or what would follow it

" Wot shud i do " is wot i end up asking myself these days. Its like being awake but yet hoping that u r still asleep. Things in my life have taken such an unexpected turn that i don't know where to head from here on!!!!

I am in a constant fight with myself about deciding the concourse of my life...there's a certain part of me that still yearns to learn than think of climbing the work ladder. In fact i m more comfortable in my skin thinking that i am in position where i can learn more and teach more as i m not interested in the pay scale fight.
It seems jibber jabber to me also.... but i really feel empowerd as i have more knowledge and sharpened skills at my disposable, that i can turn impossible into possible.....atleast in my work area....i m comfortable moving at a slow pace while learning at the same time than jumping thru stuff to get on the top.

bleeding

my life has suddenly become everything that i nevr wanted it to be. its becoe this pile of garbage that i can nevr sort out or rather i dnt want to sort out for the fear of losing my identity.

my boyfriend of three yrs has just come down frm australia after one and a half years ......and it tookm me just ten days to realize tht i had been a fool all alongthat i was hoping against hope for something that dosent even exist not even in the imaginary world.

all this time whenevr i was in relationshp it was always a no strings attached kinda deal bt this one time i decided to let go of myself n fall in love ....i did fall...i fell on my face....for being stupid and remarkably dumb..i thot that love existed, tht it really turns the world around, that it changes bt i was so wrong......i gave this relationship all that i cud..time, patience(an unknown virtue in my character), understanding and care and lots of everything else bt i was nevr prepared for wot has happened to me in the last 10 days......i ve cried, brokn down and shattered to the extent of losing it all. this was one time wen i actually wanted it to happen and stay till eternity, i wanted to be a part of someone's life bt it was not to be.....worst of all thers no one i can reach out to for all of them think that i can steer me out of this...wen the whole bloody problem i dnt have a clue wot to do.......i do feel as if i hav lost my reasn to BE, to exist....

i want to take it out all on him bt i kno he dosent understand....he wud nevr understand...........he just dosent seem to grasp the fact that there are times wen even i feel a need for his time and attention, tht i cannnot always be understanding, dat its normal to be selfish once in a while.....that i m not just there to understand and let it all happen to me.....dat i too hold some importance in his life, which i have earned, which i deserve.

Why?????

Why is that wen u do somethin right everyone around u is responsible for it ,and wen u ruin something its only you who's the culprit????

Why you wish dat people dont judge you all the time wen u cant be non-judgemental about people around you ?

Why do we need layers of emotions, characters to pursue a realtionship as simple as friendship, just to complicate it?

Why friends are not as transparent about feelings towards you, as much they are supposed to be? should they fear you?

Why??????

just like that

theres a whole lot happening in my life without anybody actually doing anything...its a series of things happening all around me....but,surprisingly, i m not worried. i have given into the fact that u can only control yourself and nothing else..all other coordinates of the life u live are not under your control.....that includes people...events....emotions...

i used to fight all that, all those things that were happening around me, things i didnt want to exist....but i realized all of it was because i craved for my space, my sphere of reason....and then i realised dat my space dosent need nods and comments from others but only my creation, my satisfaction........fulfillness of achieving something that i longed for. i need acceptance, not from others but myself. And now, i m working on it!!!!!