Act a lot

I want to be very very very happy. and i thought i would be. i don't keep secrets and i don't tell lies any more. but i pretend, i pretend a lot...
keeping up appearances you see!!!
An Instagram picture becomes mirror of your life. one expensive dinner pic becomes affluence, shopping picture becomes indulgence, smiling couple becomes bliss and thats it!

All you need is a picture a day of you smiling to hide 23 hours 58 seconds of misery, confusion, loneliness and hopelessness. and people around the world buy it. everyone does it and everyone buys it. such a bunch of headless chickens we all are.

No words, no conversations, no truths exchanged ever. I am not even sure if theres anyone who knows all of me or wants to know all of me. Its scary to think that i trust no one in my life. My husband doesn't even bother, he never did and i never paid attention to the fact that he never asked me anything about myself. It was always me carrying on with my overshare syndrome. And maybe i made myself believe that he knows me! That the flowers he used to send and the 30 phone calls a day he used to make were my ideas not his. And now when i have started expecting without telling him, there are no flowers, no phone calls, no messages.

i have spent 4 years telling him that its hurtful when:
he blames me wrongfully, by telling lies
he tells lies
he tells lies to cover up lies
he never says sorry
he never lets go after a quarrel even when i have apologised
he makes sure he can say everything mean to make me cry
he lets me cry and never leaves the bed to make me stop
he never tries to fix us
he makes me feel like no one

and still you'll never find an unhappy face on Facebook or a miserable me on Instagram. In the world of social media and for people outside my bedroom , I am queen of all things wonderful!!!

Lost Again

Once a wise friend said, make work the most important part of your life because thats one thing you can control. People are variables, equations change, ripples are formed and waves crash. Work is stable. and so i did. i made work more important than people.
Now i have lost my work, i sort of got off the train to get a snack and missed the train and so far the next train to my destination hasn't made its way to this station again. and its been 4 months now. The problem is that now i have nothing stable in my life, not for a second also. And since people where never important, i am finding it hard to go around and ask for a word of advice or a moment of strength or a hand to hold.
I am married into a platonic relationship, mutually. He and I have no mode of communication. All languages and signs have miserably failed. Both are to be blamed for not trying hard enough, but I knew that long before I married him. See, I was not in the market looking for a saviour , protector, soulmate or something. But I didn't want a stranger also and he was no stranger. And ready to marry me and so i said yes. And we got married, much to our parents dismay, by the way, they don't talk to each other. We are a joke, personified.

Well, now i since i have been unemployed, between jobs, jobless i think i can feel the human trait rising again. and it makes me cry and worry and makes me "feel".